thank you

so in the last two months....okay who am I kidding in the last two and a half years I have gone through some pretty intense stuff, and I know I haven't always gone through it with a smile on my face. Sometimes I can be a lot to deal with. My emotions are always right on the surface and you never know when I'm going to laugh, cry, scream, or pass out from pure exhaustion. I realize that I am a lot to take, and I do my best to try to make things easier on the people I care about, but sometimes it's just so hard to put out the effort. The last couple days I have realized that there are people in my life that I should truly be grateful for because they have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are the people that no matter what I know that they will stick with me until I am better. I know that I have a ways to go, and I know they know that too, but I will never once hesitate to call them if I need them because I know they will be there.

my mom. she probably sees the worst, but she still loves me and I love her for not sending me to the loony bin.

My best friend Kayla Don. Where do I even begin?? She is the most amazing person ever, and I don't know what I would do without her. She is my connection to sanity. She always keeps me grounded. She calls me and texts me constantly so that I never have to be totally alone with my thoughts. She travels all the way to Oregon to see me and to make sure I am okay. I love her so much and I am so glad that she is my best friend

My little brothers are the best. They buy me pepsi when I'm having a bad day, and they spend a lot of time just spending time with me. That's all a big sister could ask for really.

You might not be able to tell who is in this picture but it's brad, me, kristin, tim, and john. Kristin, Tim, and John have really been great friends to me. When Brad passed away I was really worried that I was not going to be a part of that group anymore because my tie to them was gone. But they have welcomed me with open arms, and always make sure that I am apart of anything that they are doing. It's really nice, because I don't feel as alone in this process because they were the people there with me through everything that happened.


Lisa. I love your guts. that's all I have to say about that
Emily Beech. I'm going to miss this girl. I'm going to miss going to movies, and getting slurpees and our long talks. Emily and I haven't been friends for very long, but she has been a really good friend to me this summer, and I'm very grateful for everything she does.Jacque. She's my escape. She is the one that takes me out and makes me do things that are fun. When I feel like just staying at home and feeling sorry for myself she takes me out and I always have fun.

There are a lot of other people too, and don't be offended if I don't have my picture with you, like Michelle who stays up tell 1 in the morning texting me when I can't sleep. Or Heather and Sammi. I love all of you, and I just wanted you guys to know that your acts of kindness towards me do not go unnoticed, and that I am so grateful that I have all of you in my life

101 things that make me, me

This was actually a lot of fun. I didn't think I could come up with 101 things about myself, but I actually did!

1. I am 21 years old
2. I was born in Creston British Columbia
3. I live in Oregon City, OR
4. I love my grandparents. They are two very special people. They have done so much for me as I have grown up.
5. If I could hire someone to do something for me, it would be to do my laundry. For some reason I hate doing my laundry
6. my specialty is spaghetti. yummm
7. I love taking pictures. I'm not very good at writing in a journal, I figure taking hundreds of pictures of every event in my life is the next best thing
8. I dance and sing in the grocery store
9. I am the oldest of three kids. I have two younger brothers
10. When I hear a new song that I love, I listen to it over and over again. Sometimes I will listen to the same song all week long
11. When I was in elementary school I loved NSYNC. Now that I am an adult I love the Backstreet Boys
12. my favorite color is orange because it is such a happy color
13. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 19 years old. Now I have a love for buying earrings
14. Slurpee's help me survive from day to day. If they were to somehow disappear I would be done for.
15. I have a secret crush on Justin Timberlake....except it's not secret because I tell everyone.
16. If I had my way I would never have to change out of my sweats and sweatshirt
17. I want to go to Italy one day
18. I love to laugh
19. I'm terrified of ghosts thanks to Bradley James and all the times we had to watch Ghost Hunters.

20. I am a gangsta g

21. I watch Americas next top model faithfully. I attend ANTM parties weekly, and have stared in an ANTM spoof
22. I've played the piano since I was 12 years old. I remember when I broke my arm when I was 13 I cried because I was so distraught that I wouldn't be able to play for 6 weeks. haha
23. Never Shout Never is amazing to me because one the man is emo, two his songs are mostly acoustic, he has a beautiful voice, and three he has lots of cool tattoos. I know I'm not supposed to like tattoos, but in some situations tattoos are my favorite
24. I can watch a movie 20 times and still cry at the same parts every time
25. I like playing card games. Skip bo, phase ten, crazy rummy, and nerts, just to name a few, are the best
26. I have an addiction to pepsi, which is an understatement
27. Batman is my hero
28. my favorite numbers are 10 and 22. 10 because that was my grandpa's jersey number in every sport he played in high school, and 22 because my 8th grade year my friend tawnie decided that was the number of love and it stuck with me ever since haha
29. I like bowling. It's one of my favorite activities
30. My favorite book of all time is To Kill A Mockingbird
31. I've had two very close friends of mine die in the last 2 and a half years. Allison Brady and Bradley James Ventura. Both very different people, but two people I loved dearly, and two people who have taught me so much about the kind of person I want to become
32. My favorite movie of all time is Dirty Dancing, I have the whole thing memorized...you think I'm joking, but I am not. I can quote the whole thing
33. I love sunday afternoon naps
34. I prefer swimming in a lake over a river or an ocean
35. I like bubble baths
36. I once was a member of the backstreet boys and I have a movie to prove it
37. I have a weird obsession with emo boys
38. I'm not a day person. I love the night. I am like a bat. or some might say possum.
39. I will eat mac and cheese tell the day that I die, it won't have hot dogs in it though unless Kayla lives next door to me
40. I am a sucker for sour cream and cheddar ruffle chips
41. my favorite tv shows are the office and one tree hill. I have seen every single episode of each of their 5 seasons
42. I bite my fingernails when I am in a stressful situation or when I am about to cry and I don't want to
43. When I start a book I usually finish it in two days because I am unable to put it down. Even if I don't enjoy the book very much.
44. I love music.
45. VH1 reality tv sucks me in every time
46. Stargazing is one of the best activities
47. I moved around a lot when I was younger, had extremely different experiences in each place, all collectively made me who I am today
48. Taco Bell is my favorite
49. I'm going to school to be an ultrasound tech, but my ultimate goal is to be a stay at home mom
50. I always say I do things on accident no matter how ridiculous it is to say that
51. I sang Alto in the high school choir
52. Peach Smoothies are my favorite at dutch brothers
53. I love to dance. not like dance team or anything, but free style
54. I have a weakness for boys that play the acoustic guitar
55. I like country music, but only country music that came from the 80s
56. My first kiss was when I was 18. by my barn.
57. I love anything zebra stripped or with peace signs
58. Red Robins is the best because of their honey mustard dipping sauce. my mouth is watering just thinking about it
59. my best therapy is driving in my car, cranking the tunes, and singing at the top of my lungs
60. In college my nickname was possum, but only my close friends called me that haha
61. I love movies. I like to watch new ones, but I love watching my favorites over and over again.
62. My car's name is Bertha. She is my granny wagon and I am proud of it
63. My favorite class in High School was history. I always wished that I lived in the 50s
64. when most people want to go to hawaii or somewhere tropical on their future vacations, I want to go to graceland.
65. I've been in love before
66. I like sudoku puzzles
67. I'm addicted to text messaging
68. There is nothing better than getting a random phone call from a friend you haven't talked to in awhile
69. I could watch CSI: all day and never get bored of it
70. crying gets rid of my stress
71. One day I want to go back on some sort of church history tour again
72. Johnny Castle was my first love
73. I love gangsta g reunions. Kayla Don is the funnest girl ever
74. I've kissed 8 boys in my life
75. I love sleeping in.
76. I was in one play in high school. "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat" it was one of my favorite times in high school
77. I once climbed a mountain. my biggest accomplishment I believe
78. Some of my best and worst memories took place in the same place, Rexburg, ID
79. I'm not a huge animal person, but I love kittens
80. my favorite season is fall. I love when it's starting to get cold, and I have to wear a light jacket outside
81. I like cheesy movies. The cheesier it is the more I love it
82. I always chew gum, Extra Polar Ice is my favorite
83. I work at the Dollar Tree. It can be fun sometimes. I meet a lot of interesting people.
84. I like the twilight series and I'm not afraid to admit it. yes I have a huge poster of edward up in my bedroom
85. I'm a wimp when it comes to the freezing cold
86. I have a strong testimony that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God
87. my mom is my best friend
88. I'm terrified of fish.....
89. I once was a member of the spice girls
90. one of my goals in life is to own a crazy pair of pants. like zebra print or neon blue or something to that effect
91. I've been an elvis fan since I was in the third grade. I love him. He's so cute, love his music, his movies are hilarious too
92. I wish I was a hippy
93. The 80s was the best decade
94. I had two nicknames when I was little. Miss Mew and Darci Dee. Neither have any meaning, and I have no idea where they came from but I have been called that since before I can remember
95. campfires are the best. I love just sitting around the fire with a bunch of people and just talking for hours
96. I want to get married in the Portland Temple. It's my favorite
97. The most beautiful place is where I live. I love oregon with all my heart
98. I like staying in touch with people that meant a lot to me at some point in my life. I am still in touch with people from when I was in the 2nd grade and lived in Canada
99. My favorite pair of jeans are my skinny jeans
100. I like the smell of old books
101. I love my family and friends more than anything in the world

Kayla's visit

Kayla came to visit me!!!!! for 5 whole days!!!!

we had so much fun. The highlight? Going to the beach for two days!!!!
We stayed at with Lyda and Mike. Lyda was my seminary teacher in high school, and they are both just extremely amazing people.
We started the trip in seaside
we went on the tilt-a-whirl. Lots of fun, but we all felt kinda sick afterwards. Plus not one of us had a voice due to intense screaming. Then we walked on the beach. It wasn't sunny, but it was like the perfect temperature.
Not too hot, not too cold.

Next was the astoria tower/column....I'm not exactly sure which one is correct. It was gorgeous though. Such a beautiful view. Totally worth the intense stair climbing.
At about 10 that night Lyda and Mike went to bed. I'm not going to lie I was a little nervous that we were on our way to bed also haha. But thanks to the amazing Aaron Bean we didn't. We went to the beach and had a bonfire instead. It was extremely cool. We were the only ones on the beach, and there were no stars or moon so our fire was the only light for miles. It was a cool but eery feeling. It was was a lot of fun though. I heard some interesting confessions....I'll never tell haha


Next Cape Disappointment. The lighthouse and view was amazing again. The hike up there was probably the most fun though. Aaron and Mike are pretty much the most hilarious boys I know. They kept Kayla and I laughing the whole day.

Our final event was sandcastle building. As Kayla and I prepared to fill up little pales and make a tiny castle the boys started making the biggest sandcastle I have ever attempted to build. It was a fun way to end the trip

I have the most amazing best friend ever. I'm so glad that she came to visit.

Dear Bradley James

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts all the time. I miss every single thing about you. I miss just being with you. We never had to do anything extravagant. We could just sit at your house doing nothing, and i loved it. I loved how even though you were extremely sick, you always asked me how I was doing when I came over to scratch your legs. You were the most selfless person I have ever met. I would be okay with being half the person you were. I'm pretty sure you were the most loved person I have ever met. You had this air about you that people just fell instantly in love with. There are so many things that I miss/remember about the time we got to spend together. I miss your love for the pussy cat dolls. I will always remember you singing snoop dogg's part. I miss your intense dance moves. I miss driving to dutch and rocking out to timbaland and jack's manequinn. I miss watching trashy VH1 shows (or VHS shows like your dad always calls it for some weird reason). We used to spend hours watching it, I don't know why. I miss your quotings of "Can I have your Number". I miss spending hours sitting on the rocks at Mary S. Young Park. I miss our backstreet boys obssession. I miss sitting by the fire at haggens. I miss our long trips to radiation full of lots of dancing/singing/laughing. I miss our talks. I remember founding the cove, that is my first memory of you. we weren't very close, but that was the beginning. I miss your obssession with your hair. I miss sitting in the massage chairs at fred meyers for hours just talking. I remember muscianship class, all of our amazing projects, and the backstreet boy video that came out of it. I miss getting random texts that didn't make sense because you didn't know how to use T9, and you refused to fix mistakes. I miss going to Clackamas Park, and leaving soon after because the people were kinda sketchy. I miss sitting on the couch at coastals. I miss driving around in pops. I miss our gossiping sessions. I miss going to the park. I miss playing mafia. I miss your craziness. I miss our sparadic dance parties. I remember having the biggest crush on you in high school haha (the cat's out of the bag). I remember the amazing scavanger hunt you made for me when you asked me to prom. I remember the amazing time we had at prom and how every girl was so jealous because you were the funnest date ever. I remember how everytime we would drive at night you would almost hit a possum, and then you would laugh and laugh because that was my unfortunate nickname in college. I miss going to our favorite coffee shop at OHSU. I miss making t-shirts. I remember our weekend in Corvallis, and singing to your ipod before we went to sleep and watching the terminator. I miss when you called me everytime you were drunk to inform me that I was mormon. I miss making videos with you. I miss watching America's Next Top Model. I miss 80s movie night. I miss driving all the way to haggens just for sour candy. I miss never having a plan, but every day we had fun together. I miss driving with a cup on your car. I miss your laugh. I miss scratching your legs. I even miss rubbing your feet. I know that there are thousands of memories that aren't on here, but it would take me weeks to write every single one of them down. I am so glad your not in pain anymore, but I will always miss you and love you with all my heart. I cherish the opportunity that I had to become so close to you Bradley James, I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life.

Bradley James Ventura September 18th 1987-June 23rd 2009

My best friend passed away this morning. He was diagnosed with cancer Valentines Day 2008. After a month of being in agonizing pain he passed away peacefully this morning. It is a blessing. He doesn't have to suffer anymore. He is in heaven. I like to think that he is with Allison and they are catching up, and Allison is thanking him for taking care of me while I went through her death, and she's throwing in a missionary lesson or two. I'm not exactly sure why two of my greatest friends have been taken away from me so early, but I guess I just have sit back and be grateful that I had the opportunity to know them at all. They are the greatest people ever. They both taught me a lot. Ask anyone either of them had ever met, and they will tell you that they loved them too. But I got the special privilege of being their best friends. Being the person that got to know them the best. The person that got the majority of their time. Why am I so blessed? Though I know this, it's still been rough. It hasn't been 24 hours since brad passed, and I already miss him so much it hurts every part of my body. He was my life the last year and a half. Yesterday as I rubbed his feet as he slept I had this overwhelming feeling of pure love for him, I'm glad he's not suffering anymore, but I hope he knew how much I loved him. I hope that he always knew that.

I love you Bradley James.

Stressful week

This week has been one strange week. I have had some pretty intense highs; Emily coming home from school, finding out Nate will be home on june 5th, deciding I am going to Rexburg to visit Kayla no matter what, because I miss that girl so so so much!!!! There have also been quite a few intense lows. Mostly just being really worried and stressed out about my best friend Brad. As most know he was diagnosed with Cancer Valentines Day 2008. The first year consisted of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation, and he handled that extremely well. He never got sick from it, just tired the day after. Everything was looking really good, and the doctor's expected a full recovery in a years time. Well in his scans after a year there was still sarcoma in his bone marrow. The doctors told him that because the chemo hadn't already gotten rid of it that it probably wasn't going too, and that they would probably just try and maintain it. Well about 2 or 3 weeks after that he started going numb around his ribs, and part of his face. The doctors didn't seem too worried about it, and didn't really know what was causing (that could be a clue that they needed to figure it out!!!) anyways, then he started getting severe back pain. So this week he's been getting scan after scan. Head and body. This is what they have so far: They found a thickness behind his lungs, they are not sure if it is sarcoma or not, because sarcoma doesn't usually present itself this way in the lungs. They probably are going to surgically remove it, but they haven't decided that 100% yet. His head scan was what we were the most scared about, because the numbness was getting worse, and his teeth were becoming so sensitive he wasn't able to eat solid food. Thankfully they didn't find anything in the brain, but they did find I spot on his jaw. Not exactly good news, but it is better than what we were dreading. They said that they are going to do radiation on that spot. So after a week of being so stressed out about the unknown, we now have something he and the doctors can work towards fixing, so that is comforting for now. I was getting so worried about Brad because he is just getting so worn down, and he is in constant pain, but I think with all the results, and now working towards fixing them I think his spirit will begin to raise. I love that kid so much. He is like a brother to me. Please, anyone who reads this, pray for him. He is a very special person to me, and he needs all the prayers he can get.




I just adore this boy so much!! He is such an insperation to me and everyone he comes in contact with. I just feel so grateful for the chance i have gotten to get so close to him. I love him to death

Spring Break Madness

Last week was spring Break. I decided instead of going to a warm place like say Arizona or California, I went north to visit my grandparents in Canada.
It turned out to be a lot of fun. I drove up with my aunt lisa. That was a lot of fun. She is a really awesome aunt, I'm so lucky for her.
Chad and Dana and their kids were already there waiting for us to arrive. It was a lot of fun hanging out with my cousins, because I really haven't in a very long time. They are funny kids. We spent most of our time doing puzzles, and spent one day up at the church playing basketball and soccer. On more than one occasion you could find us watching game shows from the 70s.

Dill Pickle chips yummmm

puzzles
I spent one day with my grandma and grandpa pedersen. It was a day full of me kicking their trash at skipbo, visiting over delicious pizza and broster house, and looking at all my pictures and informing my grandma on what I have been up to lately. It was a lot of fun to catch up with them, because I don't get to see them as often as i would like.

my grandma has some anger issues.....
also while we were there grandma got 50 baby chicks mailed to her. They were so adorable, but like the Rennakers we are, all we talked about the whole way home from picking them up was what delicious dinners they were going to be one day. haha not appropriate. But we were all so excited when they came. kali the most. She went out and checked on them every 20 minutes or so.

we were so excited to get the baby chicks!